Being on top is the most dreaded position for many women. It’s exhausting. It’s a workout. Many people have even gone so far to say that if a woman gets on top, she “really is in love with you.” Honestly, there might be a bit of veracity in that statement, however hyperbolic it may seem. There are memes, articles and forums devoted to the defense of the utter loathing of being on top.
Electing to roll over on top of your partner is a calorie-burner — it’s definitely a balanced technique that isn’t easily mastered. It’s more than just bobbing up and down. It’s rhythm. It’s coordination. It’s something in the hips too.
I had always been with partners who wanted to have sex with me. Their macho-male personas got off on the idea that they were conducting the entire performance. And that’s what it was, a charade in some way. I may be coming off a bit severe, a little harsh or offensive, but these past lovers only saw me on my back or on all fours.
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This default routine wasn’t a type of experience that I was trying to chart any longer. I had traveled that all-too-familiar path of beginning in missionary, skirting around spooning and finishing in the beloved doggy-style. My predictions of what and when were always correct. That unremarkable ego of someone domming me for 15 minutes just wasn’t vibing well with my 20-something sexual benchmark. While the sexual custom wasn’t necessarily boring to me, the consistent masculine domination grew to be tiresome. I wanted to press the snooze button on my sex life.
I demanded something unprecedented. That’s when I decided to get on top.
Sexual power politics of who is on top or bottom is definitely an interesting aspect of our current culture, especially in heteronormative relationships. The dominant usually initiates sex and is in charge of the actual act — determining positions, who takes or receives and when it all ends. Sexual power dynamics are highly engrained in our society as the woman being passive and the male being active; therefore, creating a textbook of issues that I won’t even begin to scratch the surface of. However, we can begin by managing an unbalanced scenario and finding an equilibrium by letting ourselves become in charge of the thrusting. You are having sex with them and not vice versa. You are using them for sexual pleasure. You get to call the shots.
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Even the terminology, “woman” or “girl” on top is so contrived and convoluted. It sets the precedent that it’s so normal for a man to be on top, there isn’t even a position called “man on top.”
Once I hopped on, I noticed a shift in my overall confidence immediately. I initiated sex more — being in control was something that I had quite literally never experienced in a sexual setting. Exerting dominance over my male partner is invigorating. Through empowerment and control, I’ve found that my orgasms are up to me, and I like it that way. I’m not finished until I say we are finished. My orgasm is also more attainable when I’m in a position of power. While I can’t orgasm as easily while I’m on top, it’s a great starter position for me to end up in good ole missionary, which always does the trick for me.
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Of course, being dominated still remains incredibly sexy to me. I still enjoy the switch in power play. But possessing the choice to alternate dominant roles has created a parallel of sexual balance. I don’t plan on hopping off anytime soon.
Originally published on HelloFlo.