The dreaded sex lull. It happens in every long-term relationship, and, although frustrating, is totally normal. That inevitable itch will come — it's not a matter of if, but when — and how you choose to deal with it can make or break your relationship.
Traditional monogamy has been engrained in us since we were born, but it's actually just a myth manufactured by the patriarchy to keep naturally sexually women in line. But this doesn't mean you have to abandon our societal traditions and start opening opening up your relationship to other partners. If you truly love your partner and sex is the only thing missing from the equation, you can easily shift the dynamic of your sexual connection with BDSM.
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For some couples in need of newness, BDSM-light turns out to be just the thing. Don't misunderstand — for many, this is a serious lifestyle. Luckily, there are plenty of generous and wise BDSM experts out there willing to share their expertise with the vanilla set.
As with all things related to your sex life, communication reigns supreme. Knowing what turns you on, listening to your body and sharing that with your partner is key. And when the time comes that you’re ready for something new — either because you’re bored, craving more intimacy or just curious — you can’t just lay it on him/her without warning. This is especially the case with BDSM.
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If you somehow avoided the Fifty Shades of Grey hype in 2015 (and I hope you did) you can still create your own feminist Christian Grey fantasy. And even if you plunged all the way in, devouring the series, but never tried it yourself, there is no moment like the present.
Dirty Dates: Erotic Fantasies for Couples is a great place to start. Edited by Rachel Kramer Bussel, this quick-and-dirty collection of short erotica will hit your kinky sweet spot — even if you think you don’t have a kinky sweet spot. And if you’re the BDSM-curious partner to a rather vanilla lover, just leaving this book on the nightstand could be the perfect entryway to some healthy experimentation.
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Here’s a mini-primer on what BDSM actually is. BDSM stands, loosely, for “Bondage and Discipline, Dominance and Submission, Sadism and Masochism.” But really it’s whatever it ends up meaning for you — as you explore, you’ll learn more about your own desires, likes and dislikes and whether you even fit into the wide spectrum of BDSM at all.
Your first mission: choosing a safe word. Even if you’re only planning for the most innocent of kink initiations, it’s important to discuss this word. A safe word is something that you or your partner will say when you’ve had enough — when you no longer feel safe. That's when your partner must stop whatever he/she is doing, stat. Both of you should have a safe word.
Tips for BDSM beginners:
- Start slowly; after Fifty Shades of Grey came out last winter, there were many reports of burns (from candle wax), paddling injuries, nipple-clamp damage and other newbie mistakes.
- Visit a sex shop together and don’t be shy about asking, “What’s this for?” It might feel safer to shop for toys on online, but sometimes an open dialogue with an expert is better than grabbing that box from the FedEx guy and hiding it before the kids see it.
- If you don’t innately know whether you’re a domme or a sub, safe play will help you figure that out. If you want to be in control, directing the scene, telling your partner what to do, tying him/her up, etc., you’re more of a "domme." (This is the spelling for a woman who is dominant. Male dominants are "doms.") If you want your partner to tell you what to do, you’re more of a sub. Some people are a bit of both! Figuring out what you are, unrestricted by gender roles, is half the fun…
The stressful holiday season might seem like an odd moment to initiate your own BDSM-light date night, but it’s actually ideal. There’s a ton of red ribbon lying around, right? After you finish wrapping presents, you can always use what’s left over on the spool as a makeshift restraint.
Before you go, check out our slideshow below.
