When did I realize my penis dream? Well, I'm a girl, duh, who is married and sexually active. My husband has a penis; I do not. Get it? I’m being obvious because I want to be clear. I don’t want to be a man. I just want a penis to drive around town like an expensive car for a day.
There are the simple, fascinating things I'll try, like writing my name in pee and running around naked with my new penis. But then, I'll get serious. The real reason I want a penis: I want to know what sex feels like for a man.
Famed sex researchers Masters and Johnson have concluded that, for men, orgasm is inevitable after a certain amount of stimulation. During that same study, they learned that men's refractory period (the time in which a guy needs to rest before achieving another orgasm) can last anywhere from one minute to an hour.
What does this mean? If I had a penis, I am basically guaranteed an orgasm, and I can have, like, at least 20 in one day, if not more, depending on how many women I have around.
Let’s face it: As chicks, we got the raw end of the deal where quick and easy sex is concerned. Although our orgasms do last longer, a study from the University of Chicago found that 75 percent of men reach orgasm consistently in their sex lives, whereas just 50 percent of women can say the same.
Plus, on a female empowerment level, we're the ones being penetrated. Someone we love (or sometimes don't even like) gets to just hump away. How intrusive! Which brings us back to my penis for a day.
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For just one day, I want to have sex like a man. I want to have inches of sensitive skin instead of a teeny-tiny, itty-bitty clitoris. I want to have a dozen easy orgasms that involve the bare minimum of work.
There's the joke about men having a "nothing box" in their brain. They go there and think about nothing. I've seen this firsthand when my husband watches TV and basically forgets where he is. This can make orgasm easier for men because they can shut out the day's clutter. So even if I have a penis, will I have the same racing brain that can ruin my clitoral orgasms?
Will I be thinking about my stomach fat? Will I be worrying about what I need to do tomorrow? Will I worry too much about how my partner is feeling? These emotions are some of the reasons women don't orgasm: we're too much in our heads and not in our bodies.
Is it our anatomy that makes sex great, or is it our confidence? Our ability to relax? Our attentiveness to sensation? See, the more I think about it, the more I realize I might not need a penis for a day. Although I'm still incredibly open to the experiment (for sure), maybe lack of penis isn't the problem; maybe the problem is me and my over-thinking and personal judgments.
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If science ever allows (or if I meet a genie), I will ask for a penis for a day. Until that happens, I'll embrace what I've got, despite "her" occasional malfunctions.