All women — especially homosexual women — need to stand up and reveal that they too were subjected to a situation that might make them seem weak. I’m here to say, don't hide behind what has happened to you. Live in front of what you've survived, and stand strong.
Domestic violence in a gay relationship can occur on so many levels — the abuse can be physical, emotional, verbal and sexual. This probably all sounds so similar to that of D.V. in a hetero relationship, and that's because they are indeed the same. We just need to talk about it more, and we need to talk about how women suffer from it and how they overcome it, whether it's a man or a woman who abused us.
I knew that to accomplish what I needed to accomplish for myself in life, I had to hit the reset button, and what a giant reset button that was. To rebuild my life from the ground up, to be strong and it be real, to love myself and to know who I am. That's the strongest, most powerful force you can put into the universe.
These are some of the rules I live by now, rules I hope can help anyone who is facing domestic violence.
1. You cannot change someone who cannot see they need a change.
Once a person has placed their faults on you, it's only a matter of time before they find a way to manipulate you into believing you are the source of the abuse and therefore you need changing.
Positive, healthy relationships don't look the same as unhealthy, abusive ones. So we see this picture of what we desire and try our best to fit our current relationship into that idea, even when it may not be.
2. You are not weak. They are the weak ones.
I never once fought back, perhaps because I was in shock that this woman, who I believed to love, could hurt me with her words and with her actions. I know now I was blinded by that idea of us I had created, that I thought, in the end, once we'd put the abuse in our past, we'd ultimately be OK.
This type of rationalizing is not healthy. There should be a mutual respect between partners that is fact-based. So if you respect me for my career, then don't tell me I'm worthless and lazy because I need to go to bed early from a long day. This line can easily be crossed, and believe me when I tell you that if they cross it once, they will cross it again. You could be the strongest woman walking this earth, and they'll find a way to chip away at your self-esteem little by little, until you find yourself with zero self-esteem and no self-will to make a difference.
Waking up from that situation was one of the most liberating days of my life. To see my life as a revolving door was disappointing. Those cycles she put me through, they were scary to replay in my mind. I had prided myself on being a successful, strong woman, and the moment I stood up and said, "I'm done," that was the moment I decided to break the cycle.
3. If it happens once and you don't leave, you're accepting their behavior.
An abuser creates cycles to forgive themselves, not you. Once I was able to look back into what my relationship actually was, I noticed these clear cycles of behavior. First it would be words — terrible words that tore my self-esteem down to put me in a vulnerable state. I'd try to argue back but wound up allowing her to blame me for mimicking her feelings. This would lead to an explosive argument; she would lose control and attack me. Then I'd be upset, and she'd say it was my fault because I triggered her anger. She didn't want it to be this way but I made her that way. False.
4. You are the only one responsible for yourself, your actions, your feelings and, most important, your body.
You are not the reason they lay unloving hands on you. Those issues are rooted in something you cannot understand. It has nothing to do with you.
I can only accept that through those years of abuse, I was not vindictive. I forgave with a whole heart and tried my best to move forward. So much of her unhealthy personality was placed on my shoulders. She led me to believe I was unhealthy, and I began therapy, trying to find answers to why I could be so crazy as to force someone to be violent. My therapist, my voice of reason now, led me to the correct path to a positive, healthy life.
5. You will be able to forgive yourself with more and more distance.
You need to forgive yourself to become healthy again. No one can do that but you. You have to be willing to want something different, to know you deserve something different and to have the courage to make that happen for your life.
Just go. Move. Make it happen. Don't look back, and don't maintain communication. They have their own journey to face, and it shouldn't include you. I've rebuilt my life. I moved to another city. I took only my personal belongings but nothing I had built with her.
Shortly after, I met a friend who introduced me to the wonderful world of roller derby. Slowly I began to reshape my ego. I grew leaps and bounds as an educator. I have my own home, my own life and, most important, my safety. Derby propelled me with such intense, quick-forward motion that I barely felt the months pass by. It helped me discover this strong, fun, loving, intelligent, athletic, "I can do anything" person who I cannot lose again.
In fact, I will not lose again.
Image: Perla Rodriguez
More domestic violence
My experience with domestic violence inspired me to become an advocate
Domestic violence ad from Super Bowl based on real 911 call
This is your kid on domestic violence